Understanding Relational Trauma: How Early Relationships Shape Our Lives

When most people hear the word “trauma,” they immediately think of PTSD or something that happens to first responders, veterans, or people who’ve gone through terrifying, life-changing events like 9/11. However, trauma is much more complex and, in many cases, much more common than we realize. It doesn’t always result from a single, isolated event. Trauma can live within our relationships, often in ways we don’t even recognize.

Relational trauma refers to the emotional and psychological wounds caused by significant disruptions or dysfunctions in relationships — especially during our formative years. This kind of trauma can take place in any relationship: with a parent, a friend, a partner, or anyone close to us. In this post, I’ll focus on how relational trauma in early relationships, particularly with parents, can shape who we become and how we relate to others as adults.

The Impact of Relational Trauma in Childhood

The effects of relational trauma on a child’s development can be profound. When a child experiences relational trauma, they often learn that their emotional needs don’t matter or that they are unworthy of love and care. This may lead to deep feelings of unworthiness, with thoughts like, "I’m not worthy of love," "I can’t trust anyone," or "my needs are not important."

Over time, these beliefs become ingrained in the child’s identity. They may start to rely solely on themselves, feeling like they can't depend on anyone else. As they grow, they might struggle to regulate their emotions because no one was there to show them how to cope with overwhelming feelings. In fact, because their early relationships were so inconsistent or dysfunctional, they come to see relationships as inherently flawed. As a result, they may unconsciously seek out or be drawn to dysfunctional relationships later in life because that’s what feels familiar.

Relational Trauma in Adulthood

The lingering effects of childhood relational trauma don’t just disappear as we grow older. In fact, they often follow us into adulthood, impacting how we relate to others and how we see ourselves. For example, adults who’ve experienced relational trauma often struggle with trust. It’s hard for them to believe that others can be consistent, reliable, or truly supportive, making it difficult to form deep connections or feel safe in relationships.

Boundaries, too, can be a major challenge. When a child’s boundaries are violated, or they were never taught how to establish healthy limits, they grow into an adult who either has trouble setting boundaries or who feels overwhelmed by the idea of doing so. This can lead to either over-accommodating others at the expense of their own needs or avoiding relationships altogether out of fear of being hurt again.

Another common pattern is fear of abandonment or rejection. This fear may cause someone to avoid relationships entirely, or conversely, they might become excessively people-pleasing, neglecting their own emotional needs in an attempt to hold onto others. This can even lead to self-sabotage behaviors, like infidelity, or pushing people away to protect themselves from vulnerability.

It’s also common for adults to unconsciously seek out relationships that mimic the dysfunction they experienced as children. They might choose partners who are emotionally unavailable or unreliable because this feels familiar, even though it’s ultimately unhealthy.

Healing from Relational Trauma

Relational trauma in childhood doesn’t just fade away as we grow older. It affects our sense of self, our self-esteem, and how we form relationships throughout our lives. It can lead to a fear of abandonment, people-pleasing tendencies, difficulty regulating emotions, a deep sense of unworthiness, and trust issues that make it hard to form lasting connections.

But the good news is that healing from relational trauma is possible. It takes time and effort, but with the right support — like therapy, self-reflection, and building healthier relationships — we can begin to rewrite the patterns formed in childhood. We can learn to trust again, set boundaries, and build healthy, fulfilling relationships. By understanding the impact of relational trauma and working through it, we can create a new narrative, one where we feel worthy of love, capable of healthy connections, and safe in ourselves.